Delirius Authors on Crack
by Muffles
Summary: One day the Slayers cast stumble upon a site full of Slayers fanfiction, and they aren't too happy with what they find... Warnings: Alt mocking, the fourth wall exploded.


Author's notes: This fic mocks bad fics. There's some blatant alt bashing, but if you don't like it then don't read. You've had your warning. This fic is NOT meant to mock all fics, or else it would just be an oxymoron. It's just that the amount of bad fics easily outweighs the amount of good ones and I was getting fed up with it. For the most part they aren't describing any fics that actually exist. Although there is _one_. If you see your fic mentioned… Congratulations, you're the winner! Interpret that however you like. I suspect that this fic will probably get flamed or reported, but I don't care. It'll just serve to prove something to me, and this fic will always have a cozy home on my website anyway.

Additional notes: Since I'm not confident in my ability to keep everyone in character, this fic was adapted from a roleplay credit goes to all my roleplayers. I know that at some point Xelloss stopped commenting.. That's just because he got fed up with the sap that some of the fics were radiating so he disapeared. My Lina roleplayer would also like to say this, "If you find your fic being described here, stop being a pansy and suck it up. You bash a talented creator's character as if it's nothing, then there's nothing wrong in bashing something YOU wrote, when you aren't anyone special yourself. Kthxbaigodie."

Disclaimer: I do not own Slayers or any of it's characters. Slayers is owned by Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi and some other people.

* * *

Amelia sat happily typing away at a computer. She moved her mouse and clicked on a link to open a new page. Suddenly her happy expression froze, then disappeared completely as she let out a scream. 

Lina peeked her head into the room with a chocolate milk mustache, blinking. "What was THAT one for?"

Gourry's head appeared over Lina's. "Did you click on another dirty site?"

Zelgadis also came in, rubbing one of his ears as he gave Amelia an annoyed look. Lina and Gourry already asked the questions he was going to ask.

Xelloss popped in, "Did someone say dirty site?"

Amelia pointed a trembling finger at the computer screen. "This website has stories about us! Horrible, evil, UNJUST stories! And there's hundreds... thousands of them!"

Xelloss leaned in. "Eh? This sounds like fun.."

Lina was about to retort to the 'dirty site' comment, was now easily distracted at the words 'stories' and 'us.' "Fun my arse..." She leaned in along with Xelloss, "What is it?"

Gourry blinked. "Like..stories of Zel turning bad and corrupting you?"

Zelgadis sweatdropped. He walked over and looked over Amelia's shoulder boredly after shooting a glare at Gourry. "They can't be that bad if they're just sto-..."

"That's close enough probably." Lina remarked

Amelia shook her head at what Gourry said, "It's worse than that! Like... In this one Miss Lina and Mister Zelgadis are in love and... It won't stop talking about ruby tresses and azure eyes!"

Xelloss smiled, "Oh, how sweet!"

Zelgadis' face turned a few shades greener than it was normally, glancing to Lina.

Lina had a mouthful of chocolate milk... until she spit it out. Hard. "JLKFDSKLFDSJKLFDSKLJFDJSKLKJLFDSKLgfdWHAAAT?!"

Gourry twitched, grumbled and growled a little bit, and glared towards Zel.

Zelgadis put his hands up defensively. "Oi, oi! It's not me, it's the story!"

Gourry glared more, "Look at Amelia. She was corrupted by stories of Justice."

Amelia scrolled down the page and pointed at another one, "And THIS one! I-It says that Mister Xelloss... rapes Mister Zelgadis and then beats him with a leather whip every night to get the negative emotions.... Hey, what do you mean I was corrupted, Mister Gourry?!"

"Nothing, nothing." Gourry replied.

Xelloss smiled at Zelgadis.

Zelgadis turned fully green and covered his mouth with his hand. He stumbled a bit and puts his other hand on the wall, shuddering.

Lina wiped her mouth, sputtering and coughing. "W-who the HELL wrote that?!"

Amelia crossed her arms and huffed, then turned back to the screen. "It says those two were written by.... MrsGraywards15314."

Lina sighed "Zel and his fangirls, eesh."

Amelia had just began to calm down from initial shock, before she screamed again. "In this one... ME AND MISTER XELLOSS?! But... he's a mazoku, he's UNJUST!"

Zelgadis gave a death-glare to Xelloss, still covering his mouth in fear he might hurl at any time.

Gourry rubbed his chin. "Does it say he turns good and repeats 'life is wonderful' all the time?"

"N-No... Actually, it says he turns me into a mazoku..." Amelia squeaked.

Lina smacked her forehead. "Puh-lease. I think these people are on some type of happy-dappy drug.."

Xelloss read the screen, "That's nice!"

"I **_hate_** you. **_HATE._**" Zelgadis snarled.

Gourry poked Lina. "He's jealous."

"Yeah.. hey, Zel! Remember our anger-management classes! Breathe in, breathe out!" Reminded Lina

"Take one yourself!" Zelgadis retorted.

Lina grinned, "Gruuumpy."

"TCH. You would be too. They paired me with **_HIM!_**" Zelgadis hissed.

Lina shoved Amelia over the seat some, and rudely took over the computer. "Okay! My turn! Lesse.."

Amelia squeaked as she was shoved, but she didn't mind not having to look at that site...

"Are there any good stories?" Gourry asked

Lina began taking a gulp from her drink while browsing the site.. until she turned to the side and promptly spit it out again completely. "**GOURRY AND ZEL?!?!?!**"

Zelgadis fell to his knees, doubling over. "Just kill me now..."

Amelia sat up sharply, slamming her head into Lina's chin. "Mister Zelgadis and Mister Gourry?!" She repeated.

Lina pounded Amelia's head down. "Hey, watch it!"

Amelia's face slammed into the keyboard, causing the page to scroll down a little. "Owwie…"

Gourry just stared blankly at them. "...Me and Zel? That's...that's just.."

Lina glared at both men. "You two are NOT bathing in the hot springs together anymore!"

Xelloss leaned in to read the screen, " 'And Lina won't be back for a while. Want to hit the hot springs, sexy?' My, such nice literature!"

Zelgadis choked on air, and slumped over.

Lina started snarling spastically.

"...I feel sick." Gourry groaned

Amelia sat up again, with one hand on her forehead. Even though she was beginning to think this was bad for her health she read on. "Me and... and... VALGAAV?! He tried to destroy the world! And look at that!" She pointed to the screen at the summary which read, "AU Fic. Daddies girl and prep school Amelia learns to have a good time with wild boy drop out Val. High school fic. REVIEW PLZ!"

Lina promptly fell off the chair. "D'OH!"

Zelgadis' head accidentally hit the wall, nearly getting him stuck, via his hair. "Just x out the stupid webpage!"

Lina shot up behind Amelia quickly, squinting at the screen. "'Oh, Val! It's so BIG!' Gasped Amelia, as she.......... what the."

Gourry was still staring off, confused at the whole him and Zel thing..freaky.

Zelgadis choked.

"My BRAIN IS BROKEN." Lina wailed

"My! That story certainly is... Sticky." Xelloss giggled

Amelia screamed and grabbed the mouse, immediately hitting the back button, but then she came across another one. She placed her hands on her face and shrieked, "I-In this one Mister Zelgadis kills me and then he and Miss Lina make out while standing on my dead body!"

"**YOU!** SHUT U-.…" Zelgadis screamed

"How sweeeet!" Xelloss crooned.

Lina shrieked. Loudly.

Amelia fell out of the chair and just stayed there.

Zelgadis covered his face in his hand. "I feel so....violated, almost..."

Lina started gagging as she took Amelia's seat groggily, "For Pete's sake... I fear that there is no sanity in this world... or, at least the internet.."

"Why would Lina and Zel start making out?" Gourry questioned.

"He's too hard for me!" Lina huffed.

Gourry twitched.

Amelia was lying face down on the floor, mumbling a string of phrases that was muffled by the carpet, "Ofalltheunjustevilvillanousevilthingsshouldbepunishedbythehammerofjusticethefistsofjusticethefuryofjustice!"

Lina huffed and growled a little, browsing through some more. She continued acting quite furious and annoyed... until her eyes went huge, and the hand over the mouse started quivering. "Oh. My. _GOD._"

"Please...don't say it." Zelgadis groaned

"Check this.…" commanded Lina as she read off the site "'After he kidnapped Gourry, Phibrizzo showed that hell's not the only thing he's the master of. But then feeligns grow, and he decided to erase Lina from Gourry's memories so he can have him for himself. But will Gourry stay or stray from his side?'"

"...I told you not to SAY IT!" Zelgadis protested.

"I DEMAND this person's head to be sliced off!" Lina snarled.

Gourry blinked "..Who's Phibrizzo again?"

Amelia sat up, "Mister Gourry and Phibrizzo?! But he's a mazoku! ...And Mister Gourry doesn't even remember him!"

Lina sighed heavily. "The evil kid that stole you and made you try to kill me all dramatically."

"How could he forget their time together!" Xelloss said mockingly.

Gourry blinked, "..Still don't remember."

Lina shot Xelloss The Glare.

"I guess the spell backfired, and Gourry forgot him instead of Lina!" Xelloss continued

Zelgadis starts to get up, wobbling to the door. "Gyah.."

Amelia put her hands on her cheeks and gained wobbly eyes as she tried to comprehend all this.

Lina scooted off the seat and 'happily' strolled over next to Xelloss, slamming her fist on top of his head. "Hee. Yes. Of course."

Amelia crawled weakly back to her seat. She clicked on the next story and then managed to blush and look disgusted at the same time. She just pointed shakily at the summary, unable to actually say it. "Zelgadis has always hated his grandfather but one nite of steamy sex changes that forever. PLZ REVIEW!"

Zelgadis stopped in his advance to the door, his face went chalk white. He put the back of his hand to his forehead in a 'swoon', and faints, falling onto his face with a 'thud'.

Gourry suddenly had a stick, and started to poke Zel with it. "Oi, oi, oi, oi."

Lina's face went blank. "Ew...."

Amelia fell out of her seat again and crawled over to Zel. She began shaking Zel frantically, "Oh no! The last one killed Mister Zelgadis!"

Zelgadis didn't respond.

Lina popped up behind Amelia and placed her chin near her shoulder, grinning slyly. "Oh no! Amelia, I think the only thing able to save him is mouth to mouth! Hurry! Quick! Before he leaves us forever!"

Zelgadis' eyes snapped open. In the next moment he was on the other side of the room, plastered against a corner, glancing around warily. Not to mention he was blushing slightly.

"That's just cold." stated Lina.

Amelia blushed at what Lina said, "I don't have to. Mister Zelgadis' alive again!"

Gourry blinked. "At least he didn't stay down on the ground and some guy gave him mouth to mouth like that one time."

Zelgadis calmed down and groaned, shaking his head. "Sick-minded people...evil...He's _related_ to me for goodness sake. Unfortunately..."

Lina plopped herself down onto the seat, cracking her knuckles. "Alrighty then! Let's see what other horrors we can find!" She browsed around and paused once something caught her interest, arching a brow. "A story called 'Broken Chicken Wings.' Says not for Gourry supporters.. hm."

Amelia peeked over Lina's shoulder, "What does it mean by that?"

"Now I'm hungry…" Gourry said as he heard the title.

Lina blinked, browsing over it quickly. "Oh, just bashers with no life. Let's see... so far is has Gourry get drunk and getting laid with some pretty dark haired girl, and then.." She paused. "And then.... WHAT THE HELL?! 'That night he'd raped her both mentally and physically. Calling her names as he violated her, told her that he was what she deserved and that no one really cared for her. Nothing could be worse, the man that said he'd follow her anyway.. the man she married and loved.. hated her.'

Gourry twitched and popped up behind Lina, tugging on her sleeve a little. "Lina, Linaaa.." He whimpered a little with a puppy like face. "I wouldn't do thaaat.."

Amelia's eyes bulged out, "Whaaaat?! That doesn't sound like Mister Gourry at ALL. Even those other ones made us seem like ourselves even a _tiny_ bit!"

"DID **_NOT._**" Zelgadis protested

"I said a tiny bit!" Amelia replied

Lina got up and pulled Gourry into a headlock, giving him a noogie. "Yeah, I know you wouldn't, jellyfish brains." She then proceeded grumbling something that sounded like 'people not leaving _her_ Gourry alone, but whether it was that or something else was debatable.

Gourry closed an eye when she noogied him, but clung to her anyway.

Amelia moved back to the chair and began browsing through the page again. She only facefaulted slightly at the next one. "Mister Zelgadis and Miss Sylphiel... After all those other ones this one hardly seems bad at all."

Lina sweatdropped and popped over behind Amelia, still holding Gourry in a headlock. _At least they didn't pair her up with Gourry..._

"I never knew Zel and Sylphiel had something going on." Gourry wondered aloud.

"They don't!" Amelia said firmly

Zelgadis just groaned, half-dead and slumped in the corner.

Lina patted Gourry's head. "Don't worry, none of this stuff we're finding's real."

Gourry blinked up at her. "Good! 'Cause I wouldn't do any of that stuff that one story said I did to you!"

Amelia scrolled down, now convinced that nothing could be worse than the ones that she had already seen until.... Her eyes bulged out for the millionth time that night, "Miss Lina... Mister Xelloss... Mister Zelgadis… Mister Zangulus… Naga (Who's that?) Gaav… Mister Milgasia… a tree… Miss Filia… ALL AT THE SAME TIME?!"

"...................... **_SICK!!!!_**" Lina screeched.

"**_UNJUST._**" Amelia screeched with her.

Lina gulped heavily and slowly released Gourry. She stumbled back some and fell onto her back, her eyes replaced with swirls. "Uhm, ew..."

Zelgadis had fainted again.

"The person that wrote that must've wanted to do all that." said Gourry innocently.

Lina pushed herself back up and crawled beside Gourry, her face blue.

Amelia scrolled down to the last fic on the page. Just when she thought things couldn't get any worse, there it was in bright pink font. "Watching her from the Sea of Chaos after his defeat by her jsut wasn't enough. What DID happen when Lina disapeared into the Sea of Chaos at the end of Slayers's NEXT? Shabranigdo knows. Lina/Shabranigdo"

Lina snarled, clenching a fist as she got up onto her feet. "...............What?"

Gourry blinked. "Who's Shab..what?"

Amelia got swirly eyes once again, "That's just.... just.... Miss Lina would never… I think I need to take a long nap after all of this…"

Lina's bangs darkened her eyes all dramatically as she brought trembling hands before her to face the computer, a high temperature of heat beginning to build up in the room. "............"

"Uh..Lina?" said Gourry, trying to divert her attention.

Amelia eeped and quickly jumped away from the computer, knowing what was going to happen. "Miss Lina, wait!"

"_FIREBAAALL!!!"_ As expected, she promptly blew up the computer completely and took down part of the room too.

Zelgadis re-awoke, sitting upright. He stared at the computer, to Lina, back again.... "HEY! That computer was EXPENSIVE."

Lina glared.

Zelgadis irked, blushing slightly. He looked down and poked his index fingers together. "...Well, it _was_."


End file.
